Literally Speaking

Almost a year and a half ago, he came in to my life, clad in a hot pink shirt. Something about him screamed danger. May be it was the raspy voice that just said hello. May be it was the mixed stench of some strong perfume and stale tobacco. May be it was the shifty eyes. May be it was the shirt. Something about him was very unpleasant. And then he started talking. The ominous air and the tension in the room dissipated. The primary task at hand became stifling the laughter than was threatening to be unleashed. It was like watching a comedian dressed as a villain. When that happens, you can’t help but laugh and at the same time wonder about the standard of your humor sense. He was funny. Not humorous, but funny- funny in a dysfunctional and pathetic way. He gave everyone a reason or twenty to despise him or laugh at him. Of all the things he was, he said and he did, what really played a string quartet with my nerves was the way he used the word literally. No, seriously!

For sake of his anonymity, I will refer to him as X.  X had this irksome habit of using literally way too liberally. It was like the space bar of speech for him.  

Day 1

Me: Hi, I’m Kavya

X: Hi <a mispronounced version that sounded nothing like my name>. I’m X. I am literally happy to meet you

Me: Uh-huh. Me too. Literally!

And thus began my misadventure. He would come literally late for an appointment.  He would rush into someone’s office and gush “I saw your mail and literally died”. He literally died a gazillion times during the few months he was around. I am sure I wasn’t the only one who wished it were true. About a month into his joining the team, he picked up the cool phrase “pardon my French”. (Somebody teleport him back to the era when that phrase was even a wee bit cool!). That cool phrase then became his license to swear with reckless abandon. That took the literal torture to new heights. I still cannot shake off some of the imagery this generated. He would convey hopelessness of a situation with a raspy “I am literally f***ked”. Good for you. I really do not wish to know. Imagine the reluctance I had in reading a document which he claimed, he literally pulled out of his rear extremity. He used the word in ways you literally would not even have dreamed of.

As you might have noticed I’ve mostly employed the past tense in referring to X. But that is just wishful thinking. He is very much alive and literally kicking. I should give first impressions a benefit of doubt at the least. X was indeed a villian; albeit a villian dressed as a comedian, dressed as a villian.(which mathematically can be represented as villian(comedian(villian(X)))=villian) It should be illegal to be so irritating. It should be dealt with at the same level of severity as encouraging or being an accomplice to homicide- probably his own. I was more than overjoyed when the time came for us to literally part ways. I was literally losing my mind. I thought I had heard the last of the screams of poor victimized literally as it was being raped. Fortune favors the fortunate. Unfortunately it seems like that sometime in the past I might have pissed off Lady Luck badly. She landed me in a job where there are not one but two literal rapists. This time it is even more depressing because one of the rapists is a native English speaker and the other one is an Asian.

Pop quiz:

Question:How can the literal rape get any  more gruesome and gorier?

Answer: The rapist lapist is flom Democlatic Lepuric of China. It is just regend-wait for it-daly to hear someone say ritelarry. (I suggest practicing this tongue twister word in front of the mirror for 10 minutes every day)

May be it is time I hang up the literal hang-up and join them in literally using literally till literally I cannot speak even one sentence without literally using literally multiple times. Literally! Ugh! Barf!